Throwing scraps at God

So I'm reading this book Crazy Love by Francis Chan and the last chapter jacked me up a little bit. I'm wrestling with the reality that when I read God's Word, the Bible, my temptation in applying it to my life is not to apply it fully - it's to apply it in my life so that I'm staying just ahead of the people around me. The image Chan uses in the book is that the bones I'm throwing at God have more meat on them than the bones others are throwing, so I must be doing just fine. Except I'm still just throwing scraps at God!

And I think as someone working in campus ministry, this is a constant thing I wrestle with. I don't have someone over me challenging me to grow all the time, challenging the ways that I may water down my applications of the Bible to my life. Instead, it's really easy for me to do just enough to be ahead of my students and to be justified in their eyes. But how I stand in their eyes doesn't really matter! How I stand before God is what matters! And I'm throwing Him scraps. Not cool! We need to pray in our rich, confused culture that God would open our eyes every day to look at His Word in raw, honest ways and let it transform our lives! I don't want to deceive myself into thinking that I'm giving God my all and find out someday that I was throwing Him scraps. It's not about gaining His approval - it's what He deserves because of His ridiculous love for me.

"But when you present the blind for sacrifice, is it not evil?
And when you present the lame and sick, is it not evil?
Why not offer it to your governor? Would he be pleased
with you? Or would he receive you kindly? says the Lord.

- Malachi 1:8 -

This little light of mine...ain't so little

"To give anything less than your best is to sacrifice the gift." - Steve Prefontaine

There is a fire burning in my heart to see people live the life they were created for. I'm stuck in the office at my house while a meeting takes place in my living room so this is the best place to shout it out. We are people who are created to bring hope to people's lives, to inspire them to dream, to live better lives because they see Jesus in us! I want to do that! I want to so transparently be a son of Jesus that people are inspired to change the world after a cup of coffee with me, not because I'm amazing but because God is amazing. Is that even possible - am I just too full of myself that I think that could happen?

I've been stuck on Matthew 5:14 for the last week: "You are the light of the world. A city on a hill cannot be hidden." We are the light of the world?! Not "a" light, but "the" light! Without us this world is a dark place! We are intended to help people see where they're going, to be their beautiful sunrise that fills them with so much wonder that they can't help but declare that God is amazing! Living in Oregon, we know what light does - it brings us out of depression and despair. "Let your light shine before men that they may see your good works and glorify your heavenly Father!" I want it to shine out of me, but even more I want it to shine out of my students! We are people who should be blazing with hope! Our cry to God should be that we would shine more brightly than anything people have ever encountered! We are created with a purpose! LET IT OUT! OPEN YOUR MOUTH AND LET THE LIGHT SHINE OUT OF YOU! EVERYTHING AROUND YOU TELLS YOU TO HIDE IT, TO KEEP IT TO YOURSELF! SCREW THAT! GIVE THE DEVIL THE FINGER AND DECLARE THAT GOD HAS DONE GOOD THINGS IN YOU! PUSH BACK THE DARKNESS WITH YOUR STORIES OF GOD'S LOVE!

Awaken

The sky is
falling,
falling,
falling,
into a deep abyss to
which there is no end.
I fall,
like a dreamless sleep,
never-ending
remembering the spring,
the wildflowers,
the fresh scent,
no more compared to the death and darkness that now surrounds me.
Where is the life?
Where is the light?
What is the point of this dreamless sleep?
Should I awake, where will I be,
once again in that field?
I think not
for the only picture painted
in my mind is that
of a gravestone.
Yet there is hope,
for a mother’s smile shines faintly
memories of Deep Love bring images of life flooding
back, and so the dreamless sleep becomes no more.
I am no longer
falling
but flying
on the wings of the dawn.
As a dove surveys the troubled world below
I fly with the peace given me,
And never more shall I sleep,
sleep that dreamless sleep
never more shall darkness reign o’er me.
Oh to share that dream
to share that others might cease
their endless toil of night,
that their life may be painted in Vivid Colors
the way it is meant to be.

I saw this on my Google quotes page this morning:

Faith is a cop-out. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can’t be taken on its own merits.
- Dan Barker

I want to write on it but I don't have time right now - so later it is!

Big Vision - Small Think

I love to dream and vision about the future. If you want to inspire me, give me an incredible vision and I'm yours. As I lead a campus ministry, vision is constantly something I'm communicating - in sermons, in one-on-one conversations, in bible studies. We're praying around the vision, we're talking about the vision, we're singing about the vision - we want students to know the vision - that we would be a movement of God renewing the campus where ordinary students are transformed into world changers.

Here's my problem - my vision is too big to communicate! Wait, but vision is supposed to be big, right? Yes! And I don't think we should change our vision; I believe it's from God. But I'm always trying to communicate all the pieces of the vision rather than focusing on certain components that are going to help us get there. So for the campus renewed, students need to be transformed. Which means that I need to spend more time helping my students deepen their spiritual relationship with God. But I'm always thinking about the mission and about outreach with a big O! I think that I need to break that down into smaller steps of growth and outreach (with a small o). Steps where students feel cared and can see their own growth as they engage in the mission. The picture that comes to mind is constantly trying to push something into a hole that is way too small - that should happen every once in a while to see if you're getting close and you should always have a picture of what you're working towards, but not in a violent destructive way.

Obviously, I'm still chewing on some of this stuff. It's not coming out very well. But I think there is some truth in it.

Receiving His Love

I'm not someone who receives love very well and of course this plays out in my relationship with God. After yesterday, I spent some more time this morning reflecting on Bernard of Clairvaux's writings on the four degrees of love. I find myself wondering what opens me up to receive more love from God. I tend to think that God always loves us a ton but that it is our own inhibitions that prevents us from receiving that love, whether it's our sin, our hard-hearts, or just our plain humanity. Is our experience of God's love limited to the level of our own love for God? I don't know if I can experience more of God's love than I can expect and I really only expect as much as I'm giving to God.

However, there are beautiful moments where the love of God pierces through my humanity (like yesterday) and I am washed over and over again in the overwhelming love of our Father. Those are the moments when I am brought to my knees in repentance for not loving God as much as He deserves. I am a slobbering mess of Joel crying out my love to God as He lavishes His love on me. I always walk away from those (rare) times of prayer with my experience and expectation of God's love broadened. But those moments are few and far between.

So in the day to day, how can we receive more of God's love? It's always there. It is only God's love that enables me to love in the first place.

It's good to cry

I cried today. A lot. It's been a long time since tears came out of these eyes and kind of like a car that's been sitting for a while, it was a start/stop/start kind of thing until the floodgates of my heart finally creaked their way open and let all the hurt, the pain, the question flood out in a torrent.

It's good to cry. I read something Augustine said that caught my attention: I let the tears flow as freely as I could, making of them a pillow for my heart; on them it rested. Crying in the presence of God is a litmus test for me of the softness of my heart - did I mention it's been a LONG time since I've cried? I honestly don't remember crying since coming to Eugene. What caused it today? I don't really know. I was reading about God's love and I just got filled up with this longing to know His love and to tell Him that I love Him - no fancy words, no fancy music, just me with my Daddy. I want to start more days sitting with Him like this. As I experience His love and mercy, I find that all I want is what He wants for me. It's good to cry.

uNbAlAnCeD

Unbalanced
Like a teeter totter and there is an elephant on the other end
That is my life.
Racing from one meeting to another, clinging to precious hours of sleep
Peanut butter and honey because it's fast and easy.

Doesn't seem right, doesn't seem fair.
But how you do you convince an elephant to move
when he (or she) doesn't want to?
Elephants can be very stubborn you know.

So I'm left dangling with both feet off the ground, unbalanced.
Maybe I should just jump off
but then who would play with the elephant?
What's that Jesus?
You want to climb up on my side?
I'm not sure there is room
and it's kind of unbalanced up here. Not sure you would like it.
I don't most of the time.

I want to be a child playing in the passion of youth.
I want to run carefree, swing from the monkey bars
spin until I puke and swing until I fly almost all the way around.
I don't want to be trapped by this elephant.

Maybe I'll go play with Jesus. He doesn't seem bothered by the elephant.
I think He really just wants to play with me.
I've been sitting up here for so long.
Can I jump? Dare I jump?

Afraid to sleep

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. I'm afraid that I will wake up and feel different, that my heart will have retreated into it's crusty cave leaving an empty space that doesn't care about the world or my friends. To begin talking about multiethnicity and reconciliation again was like stepping into a holy place where you are dumbstruck into silence by the presence of God. Kellie, Rosa, and Huston's sharing brought tears to my eyes. I wasn't expecting that but the reality of their experiences, especially Kellie and Rosa, breaks my heart. And at the same time there is incredible beauty in their sharing before this fellowship. It really was a touch of heaven, all mixed in with our messy humanity, the brokenness and sin sickness that makes us need Jesus so desperately. I will never have their experiences, I will never really be able to walk in their shoes, but I have to try my best so that I can love them as best as I possible can. I don't want to go to sleep tonight because I'm afraid that tomorrow I'll wake up and not care. I'm afraid that I won't feel completely overwhelmed by the situations in my life and our desperate need for Jesus, and that I won't be driven to my knees in my bathroom to pray desperate prayers for deliverance, peace, and love. I'm afraid of forgetting that I need Jesus tomorrow. Is that weird? I don't know. I feel like we encountered Jesus tonight through those testimonies and that going to sleep will rob that. Preserve me Jesus. Draw me deeper into you. Preserve us and the conversations that we began tonight. Let justice flow like water and righteousness like a never-ending stream.

The Great War

There are somedays that I wake up and feel amazing; others when I wake up and feel lost and confused. Especially on those hard days I find myself fighting to get to this place where I feel "better," whatever that means. Today was definitely one of the difficult days and I've been reflecting all morning on why my days can't be more consistently filled with joy and hope. The conclusion that I reached on my way home from church is that it is because I am in a war, a spiritual battle. Reading through the Psalms, David and others constantly cry out to God to save them from their enemies, to turn and deliver them. I have never been a soldier, let alone in battle. But I imagine that even in the midst of winning the battle, there are still days when soldiers are tired, sore, bitter, lonely, get wounded or even killed. Their emotions or experiences don't actually change the fact that they are winning - they are indicative of the fact that they are involved in the war. In the midst of these overwhelming burdens, the call for me is to persever, to move forward in the task that is at hand and trust that my God can take care of me no matter how I feel.

Father, set my sights on you, elevate my gaze above myself that I can see the true vision of what is. I am short-sighted and forgetful. In your graciousness, remind me that you are faithful, remind me in my heart the promise you spoke:

Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel."

And yes Father, I pray that you would deliver me from the stranglehold of death that attempts to disrupt this day. I desperately need you to rescue me from the mouth of the lion, for I am powerless on my own. Amen.

I had to let something out of my heart before it burst...

There are no words for the things I feel,
not even images that capture the essence of the evil
A soul torn apart, until there are only bits of meat clinging to the bone
and then even that is thrown to the mastiffs to chew and chew and chew until even the bone is gone.
Innocence that should be preserved and treasured
cremated by sexual brutality until there are only ashes
ashes that lean out the windows of brothels and linger at dark entrances to alleys

Betrayed trust twisted and manipulated into lewd acts to satisfy the insatiable desire of evil
This undefinable soul sickness that permeates our reality
husbands turning on wives
mothers turning on daughters
Evil soaks it all, dripping the sweet essence of disguised satisfaction
I want to kill them, the men who do this.
I want them dead. Certainly that is justice, that they could no longer use and use and use them
But justice requires redemption and restoration
In their death her soul remains dead

I want to resurrect the lifeless
Jesus you are hope, even in this?
You are life, even in this?
You died, even for them?
I don't understand,
but I say again the only words I can:
"Jesus, Hineni"

Am I a witness?

The last words of Jesus were a call to witness to the ends of the Earth. As I worshiped with a bunch of pastors this morning, I found my heart reflecting on that call. As Jesus leaves this fledgling group of believers, His final reminder is not to develop strong leadership and great programs that will draw in the masses, but to stand as a witness and testify that there is one God who loves us and has redeemed our lives through the sacrifice of Jesus. I think that the moment we become more concerned about the "development" of Christian leaders, the moment our focus shifts to simply "sustaining" what we have, we are lost because we have lost the call of Jesus to be witnesses.

Now I know that I'm not the most loving relational person and that skews my perspective on the importance of community. I know that in 2 Timothy, Paul tells Timothy to pass on the Gospel that he has been entrusted with to other faithful, trustworthy men and women. Obviously, we must bring leaders to maturity, help Christians grow in their faith, and wrestle through caring for and creating genuine Christian community (see Acts 2)! But Jesus began his ministry (I will make you fishers of men) and ended it (You will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, Samaria, and to the ends of the earthy) with a call to evangelism. There I finally said it, the dreaded "E" word. Without it we are lost - all the vision, all the hope, all the joy will be empty and short-lived if we are not witnesses for Jesus.

And I'm afraid that is what we have lost in Western Christianity. Praise God for those who are trying to bring it back. May we be witnesses for His glory. Amen.

(dis)life

Disappointment, Dismay, Disbelief, Discouraged, Dissatisfied - Sometimes it seems my life is better characterized by (dis)life. These little words that start out as small threads of thoughts that weave their way through my soul, seemingly causing little harm until I wake up one day and I am ensnared in a web of (dis)life. I wish I could take a stick and wipe it away like I would an ordinary spider web, but this web of (dis)life doesn't leave that easily. It is an attractive cesspool that I enjoy sitting in way too much. I know it stinks but it feels warm and comfortable, focused on me, myself, I. Thankfully, I have tasted enough of LIFE to know that (dis)life is not really LIFE, that there is no joy, no hope, no courage in living it. It is always difficult to rouse myself from it; in fact without HIM I don't the web would ever be broken. But He always breaks it, even though He knows that I will start to weave that web again.

Attracted
to the stench of death.
A dead pig
bloated in the sun,
In my eyes, Thanksgiving feast laid before me.
A mirage in the desert of sin
where my heart so often wanders,
dehydrated and dry like a raisin,
searching in all the wrong places for the water of life.
Climbing the highest dune to search for a breath of fresh air,
I am hit, head-on, by the dark brilliance of the reality I am in.
To fly, be lifted up and leave this place,
my deepest desire
But time and again I am attracted
to the stench of death,
The potent poison turned perfume by the master of disguises,
The dark Lord who rules this land,
and tempts me with lies of all he has to offer.
He has tried this before, with One greater than I,
Offering the kingdoms of the world.
But he failed and fled,
And now he passes time playing games with me.
Rescue me, Oh Lord.
Lift up your servant and set him on paths that lead to your throne,
Where I may spend the remainder of eternity praising you.
Have mercy on me,
And may your grace extend to every part of this life,
washing away the mud that has turned to rock.
I cannot loose these chains alone,
and indeed human nature binds them all the tighter around my neck.
Please Lord,
Make me into the man that you imagined me to be
before the creation of the world.