Afraid to sleep

I don't want to go to sleep tonight. I'm afraid that I will wake up and feel different, that my heart will have retreated into it's crusty cave leaving an empty space that doesn't care about the world or my friends. To begin talking about multiethnicity and reconciliation again was like stepping into a holy place where you are dumbstruck into silence by the presence of God. Kellie, Rosa, and Huston's sharing brought tears to my eyes. I wasn't expecting that but the reality of their experiences, especially Kellie and Rosa, breaks my heart. And at the same time there is incredible beauty in their sharing before this fellowship. It really was a touch of heaven, all mixed in with our messy humanity, the brokenness and sin sickness that makes us need Jesus so desperately. I will never have their experiences, I will never really be able to walk in their shoes, but I have to try my best so that I can love them as best as I possible can. I don't want to go to sleep tonight because I'm afraid that tomorrow I'll wake up and not care. I'm afraid that I won't feel completely overwhelmed by the situations in my life and our desperate need for Jesus, and that I won't be driven to my knees in my bathroom to pray desperate prayers for deliverance, peace, and love. I'm afraid of forgetting that I need Jesus tomorrow. Is that weird? I don't know. I feel like we encountered Jesus tonight through those testimonies and that going to sleep will rob that. Preserve me Jesus. Draw me deeper into you. Preserve us and the conversations that we began tonight. Let justice flow like water and righteousness like a never-ending stream.

The Great War

There are somedays that I wake up and feel amazing; others when I wake up and feel lost and confused. Especially on those hard days I find myself fighting to get to this place where I feel "better," whatever that means. Today was definitely one of the difficult days and I've been reflecting all morning on why my days can't be more consistently filled with joy and hope. The conclusion that I reached on my way home from church is that it is because I am in a war, a spiritual battle. Reading through the Psalms, David and others constantly cry out to God to save them from their enemies, to turn and deliver them. I have never been a soldier, let alone in battle. But I imagine that even in the midst of winning the battle, there are still days when soldiers are tired, sore, bitter, lonely, get wounded or even killed. Their emotions or experiences don't actually change the fact that they are winning - they are indicative of the fact that they are involved in the war. In the midst of these overwhelming burdens, the call for me is to persever, to move forward in the task that is at hand and trust that my God can take care of me no matter how I feel.

Father, set my sights on you, elevate my gaze above myself that I can see the true vision of what is. I am short-sighted and forgetful. In your graciousness, remind me that you are faithful, remind me in my heart the promise you spoke:

Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have summoned you by name and you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. When you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze. For I am the Lord, your God, the Holy One of Israel."

And yes Father, I pray that you would deliver me from the stranglehold of death that attempts to disrupt this day. I desperately need you to rescue me from the mouth of the lion, for I am powerless on my own. Amen.

I had to let something out of my heart before it burst...

There are no words for the things I feel,
not even images that capture the essence of the evil
A soul torn apart, until there are only bits of meat clinging to the bone
and then even that is thrown to the mastiffs to chew and chew and chew until even the bone is gone.
Innocence that should be preserved and treasured
cremated by sexual brutality until there are only ashes
ashes that lean out the windows of brothels and linger at dark entrances to alleys

Betrayed trust twisted and manipulated into lewd acts to satisfy the insatiable desire of evil
This undefinable soul sickness that permeates our reality
husbands turning on wives
mothers turning on daughters
Evil soaks it all, dripping the sweet essence of disguised satisfaction
I want to kill them, the men who do this.
I want them dead. Certainly that is justice, that they could no longer use and use and use them
But justice requires redemption and restoration
In their death her soul remains dead

I want to resurrect the lifeless
Jesus you are hope, even in this?
You are life, even in this?
You died, even for them?
I don't understand,
but I say again the only words I can:
"Jesus, Hineni"